Reaper: “Okay, so ‘tis the season to be fucking jolly, and I will give everyone a Christmas present by letting everyone into the staff room, for just this one time only.”
Stare: “You sure you want to do that?”
Reaper: “Fuck yeah, I’m sure. And last I checked I was the administrator here, fagboy. Not you. So the next time I want your southern-laced opinion, I’ll ask for it, shithead. Got it?”
Stare: “Yes, sir.”
Reaper: “So now that that has been taken care of, now that everyone is in the staff room, if there is something anybody would like to say, or get off their chest, now would be the time.”
HBK: “My wife, is like, totally hot dude. Totally.”
Reaper: “Yeah, we’ve seen the pictures you posted, Shawn. And believe you me, more than a few of us put those pics to good use.”
Spackle: “You don’t know the half of it. This one time, me and Ninny were going at it like a couple of rabbits and he came with this grand idea: Ninny said since there are no real females down here in Backwater, Texas, he suggested that we print the picture of HBK’s wife and place in between us and make believe it was a real threesome. It was fucking tits!”
Reaper: “You sick freaks actually did that?”
Spackle: “Oh man, you don’t know the half of it. This one time, after the threesome, Ninny and I visited the clinic because this rash suddenly appeared on his left ass cheek and we were worried sick. But the doctor said everything should be fine if you apply the medicine every 8 hours or so.”
Reaper: “There was really a rash on NIN Horror’s left ass cheek?”
Spackle: “Oh man, you don’t know the half of it. This one time, after I used the calamine lotion to play connect the dots with the pimples on his skinny behind, I thought it would be interesting to see what that shit felt like on my dick. Man, that shit burns!”
Reaper: “This conversation isn't healthy anymore; I think we need to hear from someone else now.”
Soundscream: “Now I know what you all may be thinking, with E2’s recent comments on my ethnicity and all. I am NOT A JEW. Even though I hide all my money inside my mattress, and even though my wife’s legs are locked at the knees, and even though I have a huge hooked nose on my skinny face, I am NOT A JEW.”
Aladdin: “Which leads me to what I need to say: I am not an Arab. I am from Sri Lanka, and I speak Tamil. I am not from Saudi Arabia or any other sandnigger speaking nation, I am Sri Lankan, bitches.”
Reaper: “See, it doesn’t make a difference with us Americans. You Brits may differentiate between that shit, but to us over here in the states, it doesn’t matter. You look like a fucking Arab, you know, with that dirty brown skin of yours. You’re just a few shades away from being called ‘nigger’ in these parts, so in the end it really doesn’t matter. As a matter of fact, I hate all that bullshit where people try and justify their heritage when everyone in the fucking universe can see that they are something else. You’ll see a Brazilian wetback whose as dark as fucking Wesley Snipes and he’ll try to explain that he’s from South America. We just say, save it; as far as we can see you’re a black nigger.”
Micko: “That’s fucking hysterical.”
Keith Williams: “What’s so funny about it Micko? Yee seem to be one of those white guys who thinks he’s black. You look at another man’s identity and then stoled it. How do yee explain that one, huh? YEEEEEHAAAAAWWWWW!!!!”
Micko: “I’ve told that story over and over, ya fuck. My dad was a racist and I hated it. I grew up resenting white people around here. I grew to hate my pasty, glue colored skin. And all the little white people in school made fun of me because I was big, ya’ mean? And my head is unusually large, like Linus from
Charlie Brown. But most of all, I’m just down wit’ da brothas like that, ya fucking redneck.”
Keith Williams: “You remind me of Cousin Ed from Appalachia County, Florida. He graduated from the 5th grade.”
Ecos: “I would like to take this time to encourage everyone not to eat meat. When you indulge in chicken and steaks, understand that you are eating the flesh of another animal….”
ChadClassic: “
Hey Jombee!”
Ecos: “Have you ever been to a slaughter house? Have you smelled the place? Have you seen what happens to those poor little animals? It’s cruel and unusual.”
Keith Williams: “Duuur, I’ve never been to a slaughter house, but wur I came from, if you’re driving down the road in your pick up truck and you here a thump, and then you get out and look and see that you’ve run over a couple of squirrel, then fuck that was dinner. YEEEEEHHAAAAAAWWWW!!!”
Ecos: “I guarantee that at least half of you would give up meat if you spent ten minutes inside a countryside slaughter house. It’s brutal, man, and I’m also full of it. A few months back I posted a picture of me and several of my advocates protesting our cause against meat. The girl standing next to me was my girlfriend. She hated meat. Even though she looked as if she had eaten her fair share of sheep, even though she was as big as McKenna on Thanksgiving, she hated meat. Honest.”
ChadClassic: “
Hey Jombee!”
Ecos: “And even though I resemble a serial killer, even though living in nowhere, Florida has gotten the best of me, even though my skin has a film of dirt on it’s outer surface and my moustache is crooked, I still abstain from meat at all costs.”
ChadClassic: “
Hey Jombee!”
Stare: “Alright, someone give the angry negro a glass of cold water.”
Stare: “Negro? That’s not what you were calling Chad and E2 before they walked in here. If I recalled, you called Chadwick a filthy nig—“
Stare: “Woe, woe, woe, before you go jumping off to conclusions, before you start calling me a two-faced racist, just hear me out, Jacob!”
Stare: “You are a two-faced racist!”
Stare: “No, I’m not.”
Stare: “Yes, you are.”
Stare: No. I’m not.”
A Pimp Named Slickback: “Oh man. Reaper, how often is he supposed to take that medicine? You know, the one that suppresses the schizophrenia?”
Reaper: “I don’t know, cheeseburger. But if you change your name one more time, I’m gonna fucking pop you.”
Trent Acid: “What the fuck are you talkin’ about, nigga?”
Reaper: “I’m talking about how you confuse the fuck out of me sometimes, cheeseburger. One day I log on and I see ‘A Pimp Named Slickback’ and I think ‘Yay!’ we have a new poster that’s cooler than E2. But then upon looking into the matter further, I see it’s just you. Trent Acid: A cheeseburger in disguise.”
Jules Vincent: “Yo! What the fuck is a ‘cheeseburger’?”
Micko: Heh. It’s an all beef patty sizzled on a hot grill and slapped in between a sesame seed bun.”
Reaper: “But in this case, it’s used to refer to a fucking Filipino who walks and talks like a colored guy. See, the bun is a dark brown, like your skin. And your soul is black, like the burger. I did a little reading in my day. Before I dropped out, I did a little study. See, the Japs and the Chinese chinks look down on the Vietnamese, the Laotians and the Filipinos. Not because of the war, nor because of locations. It’s because their skin is a shade away from nigger. Hey Amie, how do you say ‘nigger’ in Chinese?”
Amie: *Gobble-Gobble-Gobble*
Reaper: “Oh. Kay. Anyone else have anything they want to add before I wrap this up? This won’t be happening again for a long, long time. It’s a shame Cactus missed out, I’m sure he would have added something about the size of Stare’s penis in a tailpipe is like throwing a sausage down an alley in that it won’t touch the sides. But he’s used to no-showing all the time, so I’m sure no one is the least bit surprised. Anythng else?”
ChadClassic: “
Hey Jombee!”
Soundscream: “I am not a hook-nosed Jew!”
HBK: “My wife is like, totally, hot!!! Like; totally.”
Spackle: “Hey, what are those scabs?!”
Aladdin: “Muhammad Jihad!”
Keith Williams: “YEEEEHAAAAWWW!”
Stare: “I am not a racist.”
Trent Acid: "ALALALALALALALALALALA!!!!"
Reaper: “Jesus Christ! Somebody shoot me!”
click